The Wizz 

A Magical Season for the Wizards?

The Wiz began the 2005-06 NBA season with a squeaker in Toronto. Didn’t another DC team start the season in a 3-point squeaker? What happened to them? Oh, right, they got shut out by the 31^st-ranked defense in the league…. If the Wizards are planning on building on the magic from last year, they best start learning how to make free throws. 54% team effort ain’t gonna cut it, boys. Even Shaq shoots better than that. We can’t take more embarrassing heartaches from more than one team at a time.

This year looks promising, though. We’ve lost some good peeps (Larry, how could you?!) and some bad (go to the West Coast Evil Empire where you belong!) and we’ve got some new additions (I’m sorry you had to endure the Kobe madness at Fox Hills Mall in March, Caron. I was there. I felt your pain.) So as long as Gilbert doesn’t get a big ego and shares the ball and has more “on” days than “off” and…oh, there’s a lot of things the Wiz need to work on to have a repeat stellar year. At any rate, we’ve got our Wizards jerseys on and we’re ready for the season!

We’d also like to give props to Tom Tolbert for using the adjective “money” to describe Rasheed Wallace’s shooting range in Detroit’s win over Philly. AND the fantabulous people at Wizznutzz for leaving eProps on our Xanga's (you made our day). We HEART you!

A Giant Effort…but not from the Redskins

0. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. The Redskins came up scoreless against the Giants on Sunday. We don’t get it. They were doing so well, even in their losses. And we’d like to think that they weren’t so stupid as to think that this game would be a walkover like their previous win over the lame-ass 49ers. We know Joe Gibbs knew better. So what happened? We hope it was just an incredibly improbable fluke, caused by the death of Giants owner Wellington Mara. It is so ridiculously impossible that a team with the defense of the Giants could hold an offense like the Redskins to 125 total yards and scoreless.

Wonder how the game would’ve turned out if Wellington Mara hadn’t died and his spirit weren’t causing fumbles, missed catches, and stupid fouls. Maybe Mara borrowed some of Steinbrenner’s evil spiritual minions for help because, seriously, the Giants defense was that bad coming into last Sunday. His team does share the city with them, and it would explain the pure evilness. We can only hope that it was a case of the East Coast Evil Empire exerting its powers cuz the ‘Skins have Philly, Tampa Bay and San Diego coming up. And to stay competitive in the NFC East, they cannot afford to lose like that for the rest of the season. Or EVER AGAIN.

Second-hottest guy in Boston resigns as GM of the Red Sox

Boy wonder Theo Epstein grew tired of Beantown, and stepped down as General Manager of the Boston Red Sox. Guess his relationship with mentor and Red Sox owner Larry Lucchino wasn’t as rosy as it seemed. Perhaps jealousy of Epstein’s lack of a receding hairline caused Epstein’s out, as Lucchino jockeys (albeit unsuccessfully) for being known as Boston’s second-hottest guy, behind New England Patriots QB Tom “I Could Be a GQ Model” Brady. Sure, Epstein made some controversial moves (trading uber-adored Nomar, preventing Kevin Millar from going to Japan, etc.), but he brought Boston joy by breaking “The Curse” and bringing the city a World Series championship. Goodbye Theo, hottie mctottie… Please come back to baseball!

USC Trojans on top of the BCS

This week the BCS started working again, and USC is back on top in the rankings. We’ll admit, we don’t fully understand how the BCS works, but if the computers had watched SC crush Wash State this past weekend, and every other team every other weekend for that matter, they wouldn’t have to do any computing. They’d just know. Stupid computers.

Bitch from Laguna Beach dated Matt Leinart?!

And speaking of USC, it turns out that Kristin Cavallari, the girl everyone loves to hate on MTV’s Laguna Beach, really DID date USC QB Matt Leinart! The worst part of it is that she didn’t even know who he was – she had to look him up on the Internet! Okay, so those who don’t follow college football probably don’t know who Matt Leinart is. We can forgive them. But the girl wanted to go to USC. She goes to USC NOW. And she lives in Southern California, where there is no professional football team, leaving SC football to be THE team to follow. The Trojans have almost Redskin-like status in SoCal, except they, like, win a lot. We assume she probably didn’t appreciate the fact that the tall, dark and handsome she was seeing was only the Heisman trophy-winning, two-time national champion QB of the BEST TEAM IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL. We value your accomplishments, Matt. The only thing Kristin values is her instant fame and her new Beamer SUV.