Skinned by the Cowboys

Washington, Carolina fall to 0-2
The injuries to Clinton Portis and Shawn Springs are affecting the Redskins more than anyone could have possibly imagined. Brunell isn’t as light on his feet as he once was. In fact, we hold our breath when he runs for fear that his leg or arm or something might give out. We can’t have a QB like that. And Malk wants props! (Here you go, Jamal). Washington’s preseason Super Bowl hopes further spiraled down the toilet in their 27-10 loss against the Dallas Cowboys (AKA “The Spawn of the Devil.”) The offense continues to look confused as they learn the Al Saunders style of play. And without Shawn Springs, the Redskins D is holier than Swiss Cheese. L-A-M-E. This could be a rocky start to a long season. OR it could be a rocky start to a fantastic run over the next few months. We hope it’s the latter. On the plus side, at least we’re not the Raiders! J

Even though Washingtonians are left with a bad taste in their mouths, the Super Bowl favorites Carolina Panthers are looking even worse, also starting the season off with two losses, this week losing the sluts of Minnesota. We mean…the Vikings. The Panthers offense struggled, with the absence of Steve Smith was surely felt and their defense let the Vikings’ kicker A) Throw the TD to put them ahead and B) Kick the winning field goal. That’s pretty sad.
Big Ben Roethlisberger continues to not catch a break as he plays with the flu, AFTER an appendectomy, AFTER a motorcycle accident – and loses to the Jacksonville Jaguars 9-0. In the words of Tony Kornheiser, “What’s next, he gets pregnant?!”

Meanwhile, the Minnesota Vikings, the New Orleans Saints, and the Atlanta Falcons are 2-0 so far this season. Who’d had thunkit?

From Turnaround to Tragedy
Ron Everhart was brought to Pittsburgh’s Duquesne University to turnaround their ailing men’s basketball, but tragedy struck when a man shot five players after they tried to pacify his behavior at a student union dance. We’re praying for those hurt, their families, and the rest of the Duquesne community. It is sad that schools, once considered a safe haven, continue to be venues of violence.

Booty Booty Booty Booty Rockin’ Everywhere
USC won their 28th straight home game in a row over the 19th-ranked Nebraska Cornhuskers in John David Booty’s debut at the Coliseum. Sure, USC’s offense isn’t as productive (meaning they scored 28 points instead of, like, 54) without Matt Leinart at the helm and Reggie Bush running circles around hapless defenders. But Booty looked pretty solid at QB throwing 3 TD’s – 2 to Dwayne Jarrett, who got lost among the hype of Leinart, Bush & White last year but is shining this year. With their easy win this week, USC might jump up to number 2 in the college rankings. It looks like another good season for the Trojans…and Fendizzle looks forward to many more Tailgate parties (so much precious free beer…) FIGHT ON!!!!

In other college football news, former national title contenders Notre Dame got SPANKED by Michigan Wolverines. Brady Quinn threw 3 interceptions and the Fighting Irish went down…well, without much of a fight. Uh-oh, are ND’s title hopes and Quinn’s Heisman contention slipping away? We’ll see if they can bounce back. Speaking of bouncing back, Oregon came from behind (albeit controversially) to beat Oklahoma 34-33, scoring the winning TD with a minute left in the game; Louisville dominated the pathetic ‘Canes (L-A-M-E); Florida edged out Tennessee; and in an exciting game (note sarcasm) Auburn edged out LSU…7 to 3. What is this? Baseball? Let those computers of the BCS go crazy!

Stuff we heard about baseball that we don’t really know anything about but felt we should include anyway
The New York Mets clinched the NL East for the first time since 1998. And the Los Angeles Dodgers are in first place in…some division in the west.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREA! MAY YOU GET EXTREMELY KRUNK THIS WEEKEND!